Im especially proud of you for considering your daughters feelings. I see like this Its as if two people (friends/lovers), have been heavily into drugs for years. I know this may be hard to read, all I can say is that from my own past experience when I was young (you sound quite young but I am making an assumption) when I felt overwhelmed with emotional pain I sometimes acted out from a place of fear, confusion and unwillingness to feel the pain of rejection. I FB-stalked someone who lived miles away. Mymble I am so glad to hear how you are feeling. I dont forget. Silva RS, et al. Each person is different and has a unique personality. It was really tempting to seek him out tonight. Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. The problem isnt dating a neighbour, its the stalking. you deserve the best! As time went on, it just became my way of being to be able to take up for or care of myself when someone was treating me badly. I am now 20 days in NC and have stepped away from these friends as well. All rights reserved. Lol. So insensitive I just cant believe it. But to forgive in a way that would be about reintroducing more contact btw them and me into my life would mean forgetting why I had to push back in the first place. surprise surprise. He blew hot and cold, he made promises, he cancelled dates all the red flags that Natalie has alerted us to. I got bored and stopped replying. And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered. Narc with more baggage than an airport. There are days that you just want to stay in rather than go anywhere that's true for just about everyone. . Then we hear nothing off him till the next week after having his son for the day the guilt gets to him again.so I then have to endure the pleastries til off he goes validated yet again. Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. Im also afraid of my friendship with the new guy becasue i am vulnerable (although I have never not been vulnerable) and I dont want to get myself in another situation like with the ex and I feel by being with him it makes me more frustrated since hes not the right guy but i could trick myself into being with him. I did not respond. and not actually to feel any better. He has all the lingo down to seem caring stating FWB is not what you want as it is diminishingoh how sensitive he seems NOT! I am still angry and annoyed and want revenge, but thats just not going to happen or help. The AC is not worthy of forgiveness, he never understood he did wrong and is pulling the same shite all over again with someone else. Why Hints Are Clues To What's Really Up With Your Relationship. But it was FWB even if you wanted more. But we really need to forgive ourselves. I think its most important for starters that you stop with the new guy, explain that you cannot continue because you are not over your ex and then stop dating for the time being. Holding a grudge means hanging on to the bitterness, resentment, and anger. Hes very good at what he does and I admire that, so I figured he was a good guy, which I know isnt always true. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. Courtney,If I read CC right, big bang nerdy guy is not the bad guy here. . The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the way the other person makes you feel. Ive now had a couple months with the MM at work having gotten the message and having backed completely off. My family disliked him as well, the brother I am closest to disliked him instantly and the ex AC always tried to stop me seeing him because of this. I hope these help. And find a way to learning about and empowering yourself. Yep, if he cuts our program, I dont have to forgive him either. I agree that we probably agree more than Im realizing becausewellIm confused about what you mean. My Mother believes if he really and truly had serious intentions, his ego and my not responding to him would not prevent him from reaching out to me. I second guessed myself, I felt guilty and ashamed and I believed him when he said that I was inadequate and wouldnt be able to cope as a mother to my children. then i realized i had to end everything with him becasue I still had feelings and told him not to contact me anymore. But. I feel mean standing in my boundaries and yet I also feel empowered thats a new feeling for me. I am feeling very weak like I just want to contact him to let him know how hurtful his behavior was but am trying to maintain my dignity. No more contact. Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Youve only got a limited amount of control over those you can choose which waves to ride (thanks, BR meme!) 5. "We don't hold grudges in this family" = I am in charge and I say you can't hold this against me. I miss all the warmth that was within bounds in my interaction with them and wish I could have a bit of it back without all the creepy stuff. Great that you saw the light and are moving onwards and upwards! Are you two still together or have you broken up? The thing is, And what Ive learned I dont want any part of a negative past back in my life. so sad. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. Are you a good person? I deal with this a lot. But when he was on his own I told him (calmly!) Our gut, our minds, and even our hearts may be signalling that we should leave things alone and apply what weve learned into moving forward but then our inner critic pipes up with, Dont be a heartless beep beep! Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Im trying to bresk free of a habit, and sometimes think it could be different, and though it might be marginally different, the same basic ingredients exist and would have their same affect if i let them. This is the first time ever -that I have felt that way. "If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.". information submitted for this request. For me, I dont want anyone too physically close. anyways, i still miss my ex and his daughter. Do yourself a huge favor: dont try to make him more than he is. Frustrating! Dear ReadyForChange, your reply to the AC was SO self-possessed that he had to escalate his make her feel rejected plan. I was frightened of what people might say and looking like the bad one. Dont waste your time with him. Its a set up! Take a minute. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. If you're upset with someone, even if you're not fully aware that you are, you may not want to spend a ton of time with them. For example, I was involved with a real AC and got some really amazing help on BR that helped me to go no contact and get over him. This is drama and will go nowhere! What your friends ex is probably trying to do is blacken her name, hurt her if you become friends with him etc etc. Release the control and power that the offending person and situation have had in your life. And dont feel bad, and stop making yourself wrong to please someone who fd up, even if it was the past. Sadly, in its effort to garner empathy, a grudge ends up depriving a. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. *Get a journal. I think its important to do what YOU want for once, rather than letting the guilt stop you from moving on. My prayers for you continue. But now they seem different, rebilitated. Click here for an email preview. I would rather keep complete NC and not see him at all, rather than the nice and polite act. Allow him to be in his honeymoon period for a while. Remember, your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. Grudges aren't uncommon. You need to ask yourself why. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. He has feelings we assume and is a person and shouldnt, in my view, be so blatantly and thoughtlessly disregarded as an object of no significance in the context of CCs painful situation or within the context of subsequent responses. This behavior continued into adulthood. Jesus told us to love one another as He has loved us. Selena Gomez and Hailey Bieber's zodiac signs explain drama *Whenever you think of your ex, write a To-Do list of pleasurable things you want to do for yourself to take care of yourself. Mayo Clinic offers appointments in Arizona, Florida and Minnesota and at Mayo Clinic Health System locations. Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! Hard pass! Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. Well. Somehow it feels less amazing than we thought it would once we are over someone and they contact us, I think (Im not there yet, but so I have heard). One night the devil made me do it. But if you hold on to that pain, you might be the one who pays most dearly. This content does not have an Arabic version. This is just what I needed to read today, so thank you so much, Natalie. Holding a grudge keeps them safe from further injury. Dont make excuses for this idiot! I finally learned the lesson that I should of learned then. Mommy I dont believe that you need to forgive him, thats something only you can decide. It's so ingrained, it feels like the right thing to do. Why? I ended up finding out things that still haunt me today. He just kept saying we could get together and talk. Just wanted to clarify. And the question was, how many times should I forgive MY BROTHER, suggesting a close current relationship, not exes. Your response is keeping me strong. He really doesnt deserve a harsh, bitter unforgiving attitude from me. The strange thing is that we actually feel better when we stop pretending that we dont feel the way that we do or that we dont have needs, wants, and expectations. Thank you, Sparkle- for your post. Mayo Clinic on Incontinence - Mayo Clinic Press, NEW The Essential Diabetes Book - Mayo Clinic Press, NEW Ending the Opioid Crisis - Mayo Clinic Press, FREE Mayo Clinic Diet Assessment - Mayo Clinic Press, Mayo Clinic Health Letter - FREE book - Mayo Clinic Press. 4. Ask your doctor, Forgiveness Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Not ringing or checking on his son all week is busting my boundries but I wont tell him how awful I think this is, because they wont and dont see anything but themselves. If he is a narcissist then you are feeding him. I dont hold a grudge but by god I will no longer hit the reset button with this total dick head who I spent 5 years with, who has made this the most painful, long drawn out break up I have ever experienced in my life. He friended me on FB in Sept (seemed innocent enough Ive been to his house a few times), and just messaged me to suggest we go out. Theres a saying, What you resist persists,and its true. Lisa- No, do not break NC. So glad youre out of that horrific situation. You just gotta listen and watch. Victim's perspective of forgiveness seeking behaviors after transgressions. Im sure even though you may not be Christian, if you practice or still value the Native American doctrines there are bound to be some similar beliefs. It is boring and lacks any excitement. That worked. On to a better candidate. You know you need to stop. I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. We just cant take anymore! This is an amazing light shed on what could become a problem for me. I really have no feelings towards her at all. This time. Weeks later she sent my son to my house with a dress she bought me. I finally get it now. Link in bio. What we fail to realise in these situations is that remembering the past or certainly having an awareness of the the types of situations and behaviours that ping our boundaries and are at conflict with our values isnt the same as holding a grudge. Make a list of 10 things that you enjoy and make you feel good and do them. I hope we all reach this state and continue NC (and if we fall off, get right back on). I dont wish them damnation as their salvation really is the best revenge. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad. As such, you can follow your conscience and what you think is wise. It's less. He disrespects women! Theres no reason for him to think otherwise, anyway, because Ive been a stellar companion. The Bible says to bless those who curse us. We were friends last year and then ended up in bed on new years eve and I was willing to try the relationship again, but he said he didn;t want to, that I destroyed his soul the last time we were in relationship, becasue I was honest with him about his behaviours. In my experience, knowing what makes them tick and knowing theyre mentally ill and cant help it makes the whole thing more comprehensible (though certainly not less painful). It didnt start out this way but 3 months into the relationship something changed. I'm Not Holding A Grudge, I'm Setting A Boundary. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. But, I wasnt judging them or holding a grudge I just dont really like this group of people and cant see the point in revisiting anything with them at all. You're holding a grudge! Creating healthier boundaries in all aspects of my life. I accepted that I have always been different to this group of people (and I can say that nothing has changed given the connections to old school chums through Facebook). We were supposed to discuss this on a Tuesday morning, but on the Monday night, I received this text message, I know I said that we would talk in the morning but I wont be able to do that. I have gone through all the possible explanations, mostly that he is a narcissist, certainly emotionally damaged, that he was playing with me, that he got scared, etc. Seriously, I know I just have to continue my resumed NC as that is the adult way to demonstrate my values and boundaries. Then he asked me to think about it and decide what to do (whether to try to stay friends or cut contact, etc.). So I couldnt. Lavender, If youre struggling, try thinking of the STDs he may be carrying around with him. You speak your mind and I appreciate this about your posts. Also, misspoke about 77it is 707, as you said. Q R$::00% B@,6 :S;c889^L3az?YB3xR08Zq@` o% He saw my face when he said this and then he laughed and said I cant help it, Im an ass, and laughed again. I have been NC for 9 weeks, and instead of getting easier it is getting more difficult by the day. You made the right decision. Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences. Grudges are toxic to relationships. Im polite he feels validated and off he goes. But I dont forget, so I just suck up the awkward icy cordial thing when I see his wife now. What i also know is that Ive come to this place where i am willing to compromise many times, but it never made the outcome any different. Ready you should be celebrating! He never apologised. And not to take me out either, but asking if I would take him out. None of these are likely. This happened a few times several years ago. I am well aware of the working definition of forgiveness and what it means and doesnt mean, especially in Biblical terms. "Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone you're trying to forgive. But please be careful! Dont allow yourself to be his emotional sponge while things work or dont work out between him and his ex. I am definitely tempted to do this! The Connection Between ADHD & Forgiveness - The Holderness Family Ever since then I never got involved with anyone who lived too close to me. Merci. The frenetic-ness of it seems almost like anxiety. Probably has a harem and a significant other to boot. It's about caring enough about myself to not make myself a doormat ever again, and using the pain as motivation. Well, dealer seems different, maybe he never wants to live that way of life either. you're not angry but you remember what that person is capable of so you don't put your trust in them again. Are you sure it wouldnt be an excuse to stay connected? Im not angry and I forgive him not only for the mistakes he made, but also mine. NC 100% is the only path I need to be on. I am extremely not saying hes a bad guy or he shoulda, woulda, coulda. You will not get it. Let's talk about the difference between healthy anger and holding a grudge. People are so complex. Why spend that much time and energy its because theres still a grudge.. Ready. Ill let you know how it goes. I am 3 weeks into no contact-he sent me a few lame text messages and it is killing me. After a few texts back and forth, much along the same lines as before, I realised that this time around the short and non committal texts were neither exciting nor interesting. Block this idiot. He did make you genuinely happy for a time, I remember that. I have my dignity and that I did not have while I was with him. Those . I also still feel a lot of responsibility for him, which was the other thing that kept me tied. Mayo Clinic does not endorse companies or products. Its not all about day one or week one for the book, and I dont want to resent it or myself. Grace, you were right it was big let down. If you read any if my posts from last weeks blog, I was just broken up with last week and was blindsided and feel sure its because his ex (who is a narcissist) has ventured back into the picture and hes apparently not done being hurt by her. "Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are," Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. Jeez! , look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife. Can You Take a Hint? Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life. Are you a codependent who cant get your point across to someone trying to dominate you? woman on the rebound who knows he is not the right guy butcould trick[herself]into being with him.. You cannot treat people that way. Yet she did it anyway. When I said I wouldnt be staying with her anymore, she laid it on thick about how I should forgive, that I wasnt Christian, that families forgive, etc. Youre right, sometimes these rebounds are objectified but I did not mean to do so. Amen. I realized Id only be going because I felt obligated to attend and not really because I wanted to see any of these people. In all honesty, only a few. Im due to see him at another social event this week and Ive decided to tell him in no uncertain terms that Im not OK with pretending to people that were friends and that hes superficial and shallow- and a coward for not having the gumption to tell me that hed moved on. Is something wrong with you and your boyfriend? Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. Sorta-slow-fade. NC works, it really does. Don't be afraid to ask for some space or take a step back before continuing the conversation. At first I thought he just couldnt help himself, it was just his way of relating to people, and he was so sweet and warm that it was no wonder he was universally well-liked, especially by women. I would never ever let someone treat my child with disrespect or disregard. I used to give to both ACs too many chances, did they change, did I change?! In the distant (or not-so-distant) past, someone hurt you. (I KNOW what I must do btw, simply because I do not want to/or should have to feel nauseus around a so called friend who makes constant referals to women looking hot or staring at my arse at every opportunity). I couldnt really forgive him but I could not let it go either. I dont have to try to convince myself that the EUM will eventually come around just to indirectly, silently protect his ego. Yesterday I had watched this ridiculous episode where the girl was trying sooo hard to get one of the nerds to sleep with him, and I just kept thinking, WHY? I was in the waiting room of my specialist when tht little gem arrived by text, & cut him cold. ago. she should just walk away whenever he approaches. Why should it be any different w people? It may not work out but I know MANY instances where it did. Hey, Im working on it. Ive come to terms with it rather. I trusted them whilst in then depths of the on off emotional roller coaster ride of a relationship and it seems now that I was fabricating everything and the reason he treated me so badly was because it was my fault. Its still very difficult and my feelings are fluctuating a lot. It is like stepping on a piece of gum and not being able to move forward without that bump on the bottom of your shoe. Keep strong, dont rethink anything. Its not a joke. I do not think he knows that I know this or that he is married. Anyway, hope that helps, Rosie. i saw him in the summer and we talked about what happened, I also found out he was dating a lot since out hook up. hbbd```b``z"gIiR `m0L`r OS$c;v\T$20m (?cO = Lower blood pressure. It feels hard to not want to be that people pleaser and try. Thats the tricky part. Please trust yourself. LOL. Like my mother for example? My mother, who is in poor health and very demanding and lazy, expected me to step into my grandmothers role of basically being her punching bag. Maeve, thank you. How does forgiveness work when one is no longer in contact with them? I am in the same position bad men are definitely my cross to bear in life. What better reason can anyone need? 20 days into NC and now he write me an apologetic mail saying he is ready to do anything to try and repair the damage he has done. "We find great excuses to do a task in another room from our partner, become slow to return phone calls from a friend, or feel that we're just too busy to get together.". Ive been 1 year out of an unhealthy 3.5 year relationship, and Im struggling with thoughts about breaking 6 months no contact with her. He came over to chat like an old friend and I introduced him to my friend. Hes an ass. That means different things to different folks but if hes trying to touch you up for a bit on the side or fun at your expense, feel free to flee away! Should I break the no contact? Sign up for notifications from Insider! And dont feel guilty about it. Boundary or grudge setting boundaries will get pushback When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. You cant kill the memory, but youve ended the BS once and for all. grudge - WordReference.com Dictionary of English This has been my biggest weakness! Lately however, Ive given myself permission not to like people for their behavior. I want to contact him less frequently. Of course, thats easier said than done.Forgiving doesnt mean you forget what happened, or that youve decided it wasnt actually that bad. Do you think I am using the past bad situation to colour my impressions of this guy? He deserves a guilty conscience. I understand, Rosie, and I find soothing your willingness to comment. When I knew someone was treating me with disrespect and disregard, it helped me to think about myself as being my own daughter. hll get the message! I still am having to work on that. What the heck is likable about talking about women in a degrading way and being sure you know he has a host of booty calls lined up? I am struggling with breaking no contact to let him know that I am aware that he was dishonest and may have been cheating. I go long periods of him not crossing my mind then bam, it hits,& I know I still have anger & disappointment towards him. Narc with more baggage than an airport. He told me that he might get full residence of the kids as I was a crap mum and he did 90% of their care. I wouldnt say that I was a misfit at school but I didnt fit in. I hope you feel better soon. I want to be a grown up too but, dang, your inner little girl is fun!!! You will feel the difference. But I realized that there was good reason, and that he was snatching my safety net from under my feet pushing me away, while pulling my closest friends towards him. 7 Tips for Letting Go of Grudges Hurting Your Relationship I hear you. ! Because it really isnt as easy as that. When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. Oddly enough, Im grateful for the monster teacher, because the experience is what I needed to break the cycle, face my demons and begin healing. LOL Very true.Truth be told I do miss him but after reflecting on it, I really havent done anything wrong and further more the question is ..Is this Good for me? I was taking care of my daughter, who was really myself. The one who hurt them is "the enemy." It beats being vulnerable. Ive been struggling with what I would want out of an encounter. In hindsight, I was trying to show the ex that I was a bigger, better person ( since he always mentioned thats how he was and only remembers the good in his relationships (how conveninent for him)). If you struggle with finding forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness is a commitment to change. Bless you for your response. And dont worryI clearly read the well-intentioned and accurate tones of both your comments! Your child may not see him in the same way as you and children (especially boys) do have a strong need to be around their male parent. i even had a realtionship between and had to break up with the guy becasue I kept missing the other one, which was when I decided to be friends with the ex I have feelings for. The difference is that Ive chosen to use this painful experience to grow as a person and that usually means letting go of the past and never looking back. When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment or embrace forgiveness and move forward. Let the Dam Break! Holding a Grudge vs. Allowing Forgiveness